


Showing Love

by Laramie



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-11
Updated: 2015-06-11
Packaged: 2018-04-03 22:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4116901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laramie/pseuds/Laramie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jimmy brings up different ways of showing love. The conversation goes in a way Thomas had not expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Showing Love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> Happy birthday, impala. This is for you.

"D'you know, I've never fallen in love."

Thomas glanced up at Jimmy, startled at the random comment. "Oh," he said simply, not sure of what else he could safely say.

"Did I ever tell you that?" Jimmy pressed.

Thomas lowered his newspaper, sensing that Jimmy was trying to start a conversation. "No."

"Mm." Jimmy nodded a little, fidgeting with the pack of cards in his hands. He was quiet for so long that Thomas thought he had been wrong about Jimmy wanting to talk, and went back to his newspaper.

He was newly engrossed in an article about the new Prime Minister when Jimmy said: "It never really appealed to me."

Thomas half-frowned for a moment, before remembering what Jimmy was referring to. He almost folded the newspaper away, but decided to hold on to it to keep his hands occupied.

"The _whole thing_ never really appealed to me, to be honest." Jimmy was leaning forward over the table with his hair falling forward over his eyes, which had a painfully earnest look about them.

"Fine."

"You've been in love, haven't you?" Jimmy asked, with enough awkwardness underlying his words that it was clear that Jimmy was aware of how Thomas felt about him.

"Yes."

"Come on, you can't give me monosyllables all night," Jimmy complained, his frown deepening.

"I'm really not sure where you're going with this, Jimmy. I'm not sure it's appropriate."

"There's only you and me here. Don't try and tell me you care about what's appropriate. You used to be a thief."

" _Used_ to," Thomas emphasised.

"Well then." He looked at Thomas expectantly.

"Well then what?"

"Well. What's it like?"

"Lovely," Thomas said at once, surprising himself. "Like your heart's going to float right out of your chest."

Jimmy nodded seriously as though he was taking it all in. "But don't you want to - er - _do_ things?"

Thomas shifted uncomfortably. "Like what?" he asked, though he thought he understood what Jimmy was getting at.

" _Things_. Like… touching them. In private places." A blush was creeping into his cheeks, but he carried on. "You know, like married people."

"It's a way of showing love," Thomas replied noncommittally.

"There are other ways of showing love though, right, Thomas?" Jimmy asked, squinting at Thomas like he was the oracle.

"Of course."

Jimmy nodded decisively, as though that had decided something, and Thomas wondered what on earth was going through Jimmy's brain. "Like asking how the other person is," Jimmy suggested. "Or making them a drink." He waved vaguely at the cooling cup of tea he had made for Thomas earlier.

Thomas was not sure whether he meant to indicate the tea as an example ( _'I made you this because...'_ ), or whether he intended to encompass the gesture as a whole ( _'sometimes this means...'_ ), but he had always been one to hope. He pulled out his cigarettes. "Or sharing things," he suggested as he held the packet out for Jimmy.

Jimmy glanced from the packet back to Thomas's face, and smiled. "Yes," he agreed, taking a cigarette. He looked inexplicably relieved.

At least, Thomas could think of only one explanation. And though he hoped, he did not dare to believe.

So, inexplicable it was.

Nonetheless, Thomas could not stop himself from adding another to the list, feeling in an odd way that he would like Jimmy to understand what his behaviour meant. "Lighting their cigarettes," he said softly.

He could hear Jimmy's breathing as he looked at Thomas over the table. Then he put the cigarette in his mouth and leant forwards for Thomas to light it.

"Going for walks," Jimmy said as he sat back. "Swapping half days. _Sharing_ half days. Stealing jam tarts. Lending them books." It seemed now that he had started, he could not stop. Thomas could only stare at him, lips parted, somewhat taken aback. "Buying them beer. Touching their shoulder."

The latter provoked a realisation: Jimmy had been doing that a lot lately, ostensibly to steady himself, or to comfort Thomas, or just to lean gently while they were smoking.

In fact, Jimmy had done all of the things he had mentioned lately.

Thomas's heart swelled.

"Rescuing them from muggers," Thomas suggested. Their eyes were fixed on each other, the air afire with intensity. "Covering for them when they're hungover and late for breakfast." That had happened only last week, when the two of them had had a night at the pub and Jimmy had drunk pint after pint and refused to let Thomas leave the table even to buy a round. "Sticking up for them."

"Taking them their coat when they're stuck outside without it."

"Trying to make them happy," Thomas said softly.

At this, Jimmy sank his face into his hands. " _Thomas_ ," he sighed.

"What are… Are you…"

"I'm about to make you either very happy or very sad," Jimmy said from behind his hands.

Thomas frowned in confusion, and waited.

Jimmy took at deep breath as he raised his head and met Thomas's gaze again. "It's nothing - personal exactly. I just _don't_ want to have, um, sex with you."

"I know that -" Thomas said, hurt seeping into his voice at the fact that Jimmy was bringing it up when they _both_ knew it.

"I don't want to have sex with _anyone_. I-I never have. But - the thing is, Thomas, I'm in love with you anyway."

Thomas blinked at him, bewildered. "But you just said -"

"I know, I _know_. But it's not - you even _said_ that there are other ways of showing love."

Thomas shook his head, more out of confusion than anything. "That's friendship, Jimmy. Maybe I've… confused you with what I did in the past. But if you don't want… how can you say it's love?"

"Don't patronise me," Jimmy scowled. "I know what friendship is. I've _had_ friends. And this is nothing like that. The way I feel about you is different."

"But how can -"

Jimmy pushed back from the table, his chair scraping unpleasantly on the ground. "Just _forget_ it," he snapped, swiping his cards from the table and stalking out of the room.

Thomas checked the back door and turned off the lights before following him upstairs. He knocked on Jimmy's door. There was a grunt, so Thomas pushed the door open and stepped over the threshold.

Jimmy was standing just inside, in the dark, with his back to the door, as though he had managed to get inside the room and then forgotten what he was supposed to be doing there.

"Do you think I'm broken?" Jimmy asked quietly.

Thomas shut the door behind himself. "Because you don't want to have sex with me?" he asked, puzzled.

Jimmy turned at last, his eyes full of pain. "Because I don't want to have sex with _anyone_. Ever."

"You are many things, love, but never broken," Thomas replied softly, the endearment slipping past his lips unnoticed. "What about Ivy? I thought you liked her."

"I do, sort of. She's nice enough. I thought I could… try it, you know. I thought maybe I'd like it if I did, or I could learn to like it. But I never… _wanted_ her, in that way."

"Jimmy… why are you telling me all this?"

Jimmy took two quick strides towards him, leaning forwards to look urgently into his face. "Because I _love_ you and I can't handle not telling you any longer. If there's… If there's _any_ chance we could be together, even though I'll never be able to give you what you want, I have to try it."

Thomas's head was spinning with the desperation in Jimmy's voice. He ran a distracted hand through his hair. "That's what you meant? After the fair, that's what you meant?"

"Yes. I can't be attracted to you because I'm not attracted to anyone. But you… You're wonderful." Jimmy began to look teary. "How could I not fall in love with you?"

Thomas gazed back at Jimmy, slacked-jawed with surprise. He could feel his heartbeat in his throat. What Jimmy was saying was ridiculous… impossible… wonderful.

Jimmy looked uncharacteristically uncertain; as shy as he had been a couple of years ago as he sat by Thomas's bedside as Thomas asked him to be friends. "Could - could you - might you want me, even though we'll never… do _that_? I mean, maybe - you could watch me. But we'd never… I don't want us to _touch_ each other in that way."

Thomas was starting to feel light-headed, and tried to breathe deeply. Could he want Jimmy without sex? Could he be content with separate self-pleasuring being as far as it went? He pictured Jimmy touching himself, letting Thomas watch. His stomach flipped.

He pictured long embraces and lingering smiles and felt a warmth that he had never experienced creeping over his skin.

"What about kissing?"

Jimmy looked down at his feet, nodded, and met Thomas's gaze again. "I'd like to kiss you," he said softly.

The blue of Jimmy's eyes was dark and opaque; he had not turned on the light. Could Thomas want Jimmy without sex? There was no contest. He wanted all of Jimmy, and anything Jimmy wanted to share. He lifted a hand and caressed Jimmy's cheekbone, gently, gently, as he pushed his fringe away from his face. His fingers were trembling. "If I knew a hundred lavender men who all wanted me, I would want you more."

Jimmy bit his lip and tears began to spill down his cheeks. "Thomas…" he whispered.

Thomas pulled Jimmy into his arms, holding him tightly against his body. "I love you."

Jimmy clung to him, pressing his face into Thomas's neck. "I didn't think you'd want me." His voice was muffled against Thomas's skin.

Thomas let out a bittersweet sigh. "There's more than one way of showing love."


End file.
